Lesbian distaste for bisexuals

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Turph
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Re: Lesbian distaste for bisexuals

Post by Turph » 01 Oct 2018 05:02

EinLeben wrote:
24 Sep 2018 15:15
I've often found that there's less sensuality, if a women has mostly had sexual experience with a man. And intimacy is different...Also, there's a total focus on the genitals, which is of course part of the pleasure, but what about the rest of the body? I find that lesbians tend to know their own bodies better, and take more time to get to know mine.
:icon_eek:
This is so true, I don't think I ever realised before.

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mushroom
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Re: Lesbian distaste for bisexuals

Post by mushroom » 02 Nov 2018 15:11

The bisexuals who "picked a side" are invisible to everyone but themselves and their most intimate friends. They go unnoticed. It's only the ones who are fitting a negative stereotype of invading lesbian's spaces and trying to get threesomes with their boyfriends, that are given attention.
As sunflower said, people do not see inside your mind, they see your outward behavior.
I guess that is one of the main points. Bisexuals also face prejudices (like this "not beeing able to decide an just trying out", etc.) which is partly rooted in beeing invisible as soon as they have a partner. But Bisexuals do not face the same kind of discrimination as lesbians do. Beeing invisible also means having the privilige to be able to hide ones own sexuality. It's impossible to "see" if the two of a heterosexual couple are hetero- or bisexual. While I can understand that many bisexual also want to meet and talk (and live) separated from heterosexuals the fact, that they have this privilige, also means that there is just not the same "need" for a safe space or a separated space.
Or to give a different example: I grow up having two nationalities, and after getting married (and getting an "unsuspicious name") things got easier bc people don't know about my second nationality. Even though there is stuff I wouldn't talk about with germans (living in germany btw), I do not feel comfortable in "foreigner only groups". I prefer talking to people who are also "mixed". And yes, it is definetly a (hurting) privilige beeing able to hide my second nationality.

Beeing a lesbian and beeing a bisexual are two completly different things - two completly different worlds. If you happen to fall in love with someone who lives in a "completly different world" that can mean a lot of work...doesn't alway have to be about sexuality. Age, naionality,social class - differences can always mean problems. Some only cause small problems, others may even destroy a relationship. Depending on who you are and how you deal with differences, you may or may not be able to have a relationship with someone beeing completly different.
What I wanted to talk about is not whether lesbians should try hard to get more involved with bi women.
One should never "force" oneself to be in a relationship. But aside from that, I think, women in generall need to get more involved with each other. This man-centered culture isn't just a turn off, it ruins lives. The lives of homo-,bi- and heterosexual womens. Many bi- and hetereosexual women are very unhappy with their lives and relationships. And it often has something to do with everything allways beein about men. Getting rid of this man-centered culture would also reduce some of the "problems" between lesbian and bi women. And it would also erase a lot of the prejudice that exist (for example: heteroesexuals would stop pretending to be bi just bc man find it attractive. Therefore, the prejudice would also disappear).
As women, we should try and understand and respect each other. But I don't think, that a lesbian needs to date a bi. If you don't want it, then you don't want to.
Is there a way to overcome the feeling you are not enough for your bisexual partner (in any way, not restricted to sex)?
Why do you feel you're "not enough"? That sounds like your afraid of not beeing "as good as a man".

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Irina
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Re: Lesbian distaste for bisexuals

Post by Irina » 04 Nov 2018 09:47

mushroom wrote:
02 Nov 2018 15:11

Why do you feel you're "not enough"? That sounds like your afraid of not beeing "as good as a man".
Yeah, that's what it looks like. From my experience bisexuals cater to men 24/7 even when they are truly attracted to women (some lesbians do the same thing, of course. It's patriarchy). It's not the issue with my current bisexual partner, but stereotyping is powerful.
Sure, if being with a bisexual partner brings too much insecurity, a lesbian doesn't have to stay. If I had a partner who prioritized men, I would've walked out as soon as I walked in. The problem I initially had in mind is not just reasons why many lesbians want nothing to do with bi women. It's more about lesbian insecurity in relationships. I'm not comfortable living with the "lesbian demons" anymore, and, even though dating within lesbian circle would be a patch, it wouldn't solve anything. Ruining patriarchy would make a huge difference in the way lesbian women feel and think.

phoenix
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Joined: 26 Nov 2018 02:28

Re: Lesbian distaste for bisexuals

Post by phoenix » 26 Nov 2018 02:59

I understand that lesbians are going to follow their own drum, bad experiences and reminders of men can be to blame. As a bi girl who desperately wants to find woman-only spaces and date only women, its hard to hear and its hard to accept that I'll always have a difficult time in the dating scene just because my preferences have changed. I may feel some sexual attraction to men but now that I have ZERO desire to act on it, its incredibly discouraging. I am afraid I will end up alone. It is so hard to meet non-straight women in the first place.

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Irina
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Re: Lesbian distaste for bisexuals

Post by Irina » 27 Nov 2018 12:16

phoenix wrote:
26 Nov 2018 02:59
I understand that lesbians are going to follow their own drum, bad experiences and reminders of men can be to blame. As a bi girl who desperately wants to find woman-only spaces and date only women, its hard to hear and its hard to accept that I'll always have a difficult time in the dating scene just because my preferences have changed. I may feel some sexual attraction to men but now that I have ZERO desire to act on it, its incredibly discouraging. I am afraid I will end up alone. It is so hard to meet non-straight women in the first place.
Can't even imagine how bad it feels to be seen as an outsider.
I don't think having been with men is a deal breaker for (many) lesbians. Bi women (as opposed to barsexuals) or lesbians who had been in relationships with men should never be dismissed as lesser than. The problem with all that I-don't-date-bisexuals thing is lack of clarity. Bi is a wide term with men-worphippers and bicurious folks dominating the scene. The current gender spiel exacerbates confusion as being "bi" can mean liking men and men in dresses. The word "bisexual" loses its gravity - the same thing is happening to the word "lesbian", but bi is already meaningless for GC lesbians.

My point is... rejecting bisexual women from the get go is not something every lesbian does. Lesbians are suspicious of the bi label for many other reasons, often unrelated to the fact that bisexuals had sex with men. The most important issues are beneath the surface - 1) bi can mean anything if unspecified; 2) calling yourself bi earns you brownie points with men. So, detaste for bisexuality has much more to do with the functioning of society than the status of "other" given to bi women.

Don't lose hope.

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Irina
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Re: Lesbian distaste for bisexuals

Post by Irina » 27 Nov 2018 12:26

P. S. My own perception of bisexuality varies depending on the social circle. If a radical feminist tells me she is bi, my mind instantly goes like: She is bi, it's legit. No animosity there. If I hear it from a libfem or a young girl unassociated with any feminist movement, I can't help but feel skeptical. "Hope your boyfriend don't mind it".

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cyberwanderlust
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Re: Lesbian distaste for bisexuals

Post by cyberwanderlust » 27 Nov 2018 15:55

Late for the party, here only to suggest: what about ANDRO PHOBIA! :D We never talk about that! Just kidding. Fear of men is legit.
Sisters, Change Our Society Not Our Bodies! ✊✊✊

Macha
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Re: Lesbian distaste for bisexuals

Post by Macha » 11 Dec 2018 22:06

phoenix wrote:
26 Nov 2018 02:59
I understand that lesbians are going to follow their own drum, bad experiences and reminders of men can be to blame. As a bi girl who desperately wants to find woman-only spaces and date only women, its hard to hear and its hard to accept that I'll always have a difficult time in the dating scene just because my preferences have changed. I may feel some sexual attraction to men but now that I have ZERO desire to act on it, its incredibly discouraging. I am afraid I will end up alone. It is so hard to meet non-straight women in the first place.
It won't be a problem if you clarify:" I am bisexual, dated men and women in the past, but now I will date and am only looking for relationships exclusively with women." I met a straight woman in my social lesbian group who had been happily married to a man, then dumped,then dated men and then decided after her ghastly experiences to date exclusively with women. Everyone was fine with that. If you just say upfront that men no longer figure in your dating/relationship life you will be welcomed with open arms.

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