Advice For A Baby

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Advice For A Baby

Post by foxysocks » 28 Oct 2018 07:48

I'm only just out after a life time of painful denial. I'm not bisexual but obviously all my sexual experience is with men. I'm guessing no lesbian will come near me with a ten foot pole because I'll be useless in bed. Yippee. I'm not the type to seek out a bunch of casual encounters so I can get myself up to speed before approaching anyone seriously. Honestly, all I want is to meet the woman of my dreams, settle down into a nice quiet life, and just be happy with the simple things. I fear I'm never going to meet her because she's not going to be able to get beyond my history. Should I just give up? Slap a ring on the vibrator, get a couple of cats, resign myself to a solo life?
"I don't have time for your convenient ignorance." - Dana Scully

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Raging Lesbian
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Re: Advice For A Baby

Post by Raging Lesbian » 28 Oct 2018 18:39

If I could guess I would say maybe half of lesbians come out as escapees from the heterosexual trap. So you're not alone.

The word to describe your experiences: ex-het.

I don't think I have ever met a lesbian who would be turned off by an ex-het lesbian, whether or not she was never-het has never come into the picture. It just affects communication. You only have to learn how to not dwell in the past talking about male exes all the time (occasionally is OK), that's pretty much it. Oh and avoid bringing past into present, so avoid treating any lesbian partner the same way a boyfriend is treated, in or out of bed. These are entirely different experiences, and the lesbian partner will be psychologically harmed if she is subjected to homophobic/lesbian-hating assumptions that she must mimic a heterosexual coupling.

You don't have to "practice" on lesbians in casual encounters, in fact that could hurt you and/or the lesbian you hook up with. That is a heterosexual and/or gay male approach to lesbianism. We must avoid copying ways of living that are incompatible with our own hearts, and unlearn these mentalities to fully enjoy being lesbians, and also avoid hurting other lesbians' feelings (we feel all the feels and make deeper connections than the straights and the gay men).

Ultimately success in lesbian love will mean decolonizing from the patriarchy. In other words it is not your partner who will likely have challenges getting over your history, but yourself. You will need to believe in yourself, and seek help from the community when you need it. I find lesbian feminist books deal a lot with decolonizing from the patriarchy and they can be very helpful in changing our perspective to a more lesbian-centric one, because they are written by lesbians for lesbians from lesbians who have already been through similar experiences. It doesn't take forever. 6-months to 1 year significant change. 2-3 years later, by then you probably come into your own feeling like a fully initiated lesbian. And hey maybe it won't even take that long. Sure, sex helps but it isn't required, and won't teach you lesbian culture. It is very common for lesbians to want to settle down with one womon and live happily forever, so save yourself the heartache of hook ups and look for Ms. Right.

If you put the work in to heal, there will come a day when you won't even think about it. And the rare occasions when you do remember, those will be memories that lost their sting.

Simple steps for you on your journey to lesbian connections:
  • Spend time being single and processing your experiences with heterosexism
  • Get in touch with your body, stay away from pornography
  • Visit a womon's festival - these are worth it because of the body positivity and sometimes nudity in a fun and relaxing environment which has helped many lesbians come into their own - outside of all the usual patriarchal frames of existence
  • Find wimmin to talk about your struggles and experiences with - especially older lesbians
Take it from me. A happily partnered lesbian with happily partnered lesbian friends. And a few single lesbian friends. We do things differently out here.

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Re: Advice For A Baby

Post by Peach » 29 Oct 2018 03:40

That is some awesome advice. :heart:

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Re: Advice For A Baby

Post by Irina » 29 Oct 2018 12:04

Being "useless" in bed is a concept that is not... just... right.
Too many things factor in. What's most important is honest communication with a partner (and - occasionally - good ol' trial and error). Sex is a skill to some extent, but it's a skill that takes fairly little time to master if you are working in the right direction. The whole "being good in bed" spiel is so laughable. Basically, emotions and attraction go first, technique goes second - and it IS trainable.

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Re: Advice For A Baby

Post by dyke » 11 Jan 2019 23:15

@Raging Lesbian
can you recommend one or two of these books that are helping decolonize? I find that emotionally I am sometimes still very entangelded in the partiarchal ways of dealing with things.

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