Advice about Ex-Wives

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Feminista
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Advice about Ex-Wives

Post by Feminista » 31 Dec 2018 13:03

About two years ago, my relationship with my partner /wife ( we were never legally married but legally attached through property, trusts, wills , etc.) ended because I fell in love with another woman. The separation had been building for quite some time. For about 6 years we had been living more as friends than partners . Our intimacy was more of that between sisters/friends than lovers. Anyway, I still talk to my ex, we still have property we own together, animals we raised . We still care very deeply for each other, that sisterhood is still there. When her mother died I wrote the obituary for her. She still calls me when things get really hard in her life and I am always there for her.

She is in another relationship and I am very happily thriving in the one we broke up over . She and her girlfriend / partner live in a different state , so it is not an issue of seeing her frequently . In fact I have only seen her once since she moved out of state. Her girlfriend and mine have become social, they have some shared cultural experiences that they text about , but I would not really classify them as friends .

Sometimes I worry about whether or not maintaining this connection is impacting my current relationship. 16 years is a long time and she and I had a lot of experiences ( good and bad ) . I do not see those 16 years as wasted , it was part of a growing process , but that process is over.

But sometimes I worry how this maintained connection impacts my current girlfriend's feelings about us -- she's never said anything , but she's not the type to say anything, also how maintaining this connection may be impacting my growth and ability for intimacy with my new lover as well.

I'm not sure where the fine line is between honoring my past and truly opening up to the possibilities in my present.

Have any of you had similar experiences? What would you do?

EinLeben
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Re: Advice about Ex-Wives

Post by EinLeben » 31 Dec 2018 13:52

Have you spoken to your current gf about her feelings on the matter?

I personally would not give up the friendship. I'm still friends with some ex gfs. They are very dear to me, and I would not miss them, even if my current partner did make a fuss. My friends are my sisters, and they are too precious to give up. The key word is "sisters". (Assuming you get on with them)would you give up your family ties for a partner? Probably not.

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Peach
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Re: Advice about Ex-Wives

Post by Peach » 01 Jan 2019 06:23

Good question, did you talk about this with your girlfriend?

There's no advice, the answer is in you. We're all different. I have no connection with exes and never had. I prefer to break all connections and move on. But that's me.

Feminista
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Re: Advice about Ex-Wives

Post by Feminista » 01 Jan 2019 11:08

Thanks for taking the time to respond Ein and peach . I appreciate you two sharing your thoughts with me . :icon_cool: :icon_lol:

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Peach
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Re: Advice about Ex-Wives

Post by Peach » 01 Jan 2019 15:27

Feminista wrote:
01 Jan 2019 11:08
Thanks for taking the time to respond Ein and peach . I appreciate you two sharing your thoughts with me . :icon_cool: :icon_lol:
You're welcome. :icon_e_smile:

EinLeben
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Re: Advice about Ex-Wives

Post by EinLeben » 01 Jan 2019 18:20

No problem. I hope you manage to resolve things for yourself.

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Irina
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Re: Advice about Ex-Wives

Post by Irina » 03 Jan 2019 20:40

First thing first, I agree with Ein that you have to talk to your gf about it.
Also, relationships that are impacted by that sort of outside influence usualy have deeper underlying problems. If you notice or suspect that your gf might be jealous (your ex-partner situation looks normal, nothing to evoke reasonable jealousy) try to uncover the issue, maybe it's not about you at all.

Feminista
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Re: Advice about Ex-Wives

Post by Feminista » 04 Jan 2019 12:20

Thanks Irina , I really don't think she is jealous . Irritated sometimes , but probably not jealous. For me it's more about wondering whether or not if not cutting ties completely is preventing my current relationship from growing . I suppose only I can really answer that question.

Plus I was just genuinely curious if other women had experienced similar situations . It's so frustrating that we have so few spaces that we can go to and talk about our relationships with other lesbians . It seems more often than not when a lesbian space opens up for discussions about relationships / our lives/ experiences *poof* a transwoman lesbian (aka straight man) takes over the space to go on and on for millions of years about their journey and how brave and tormented they are . :icon_mad:

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Peach
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Re: Advice about Ex-Wives

Post by Peach » 05 Jan 2019 04:53

I agree. As soon as a man arrives it's all about him. We lost so many of our spaces, it's a fucking shame.

Macha
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Re: Advice about Ex-Wives

Post by Macha » 06 Jan 2019 05:26

I think, since you do have a close relationship with your ex that it is your duty to bring this up, especially since your girlfriend is the type not to. Be up front and say " do you think this is a problem, harming our relationship, a way that I'm not putting the time into ours? As you are more important to me."

I say this as someone who was really burnt by a girlfriend who talked about her ex pretty often and had a close relationship with her. I was just newly out for 1 year and just didn't want to seem like the jealous type. I wasn't jealous in the sense that I thought as our relationship continued her interest in her ex would naturally wane (and this ex was married to another woman, so unavailable.) We talked about our Valentine's day plans and the fun/romantic things we would do and then a couple of weeks later she mentioned that her ex was going to visit. I wasn't too thrilled but again didn't say anything. I was a mature woman, I wanted to be the bigger person...so a day or two later I said "why not invite her to come with us for Valentine's we can redo our plans." She answered " I'm going out with her." And that totally hurt. I will never keep my mouth shut , now that I'm older and wiser.

But yeah, you owe your girlfriend better.

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Peach
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Re: Advice about Ex-Wives

Post by Peach » 06 Jan 2019 07:43

Wow Macha, that would have hurt me too. What a shitty thing to do. We all (well almost all LOL) get wiser but it costs us.
I'm glad that my girlfriends and I ever had exes around.

Macha
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Re: Advice about Ex-Wives

Post by Macha » 06 Jan 2019 18:27

Peach wrote:
06 Jan 2019 07:43
Wow Macha, that would have hurt me too. What a shitty thing to do. We all (well almost all LOL) get wiser but it costs us.
I'm glad that my girlfriends and I ever had exes around.
Thanks Peach,it was painful and harmful as after being closeted for so many years (I was always a lesbian) I'd finally allowed myself to be emotionally free and to fall in love, it was a giant setback...

As you can imagine I won't go near women who are so tied to their exes. I think your way and that of your girlfriends is far healthier.

Interestingly I was almost thrown out of my lesbian social group (about 6 years ago) due to complaints from 2 TIMs, they objected to my saying "who wants to be a man." I've loathed the 3rd wave and the entire gender/queer thing since. One sad but good aspect is that womyn-only groups, like these boards are slowly reforming. I really love this. No matter what happens I don't ever want to be part of 'queer' spaces ever again.

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Peach
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Re: Advice about Ex-Wives

Post by Peach » 07 Jan 2019 07:42

Queer fucks everything up because it includes kink and woke people who don't accept boundaries. Queer reminds me of a huge happy family at christmas dinner, while secretly they envy and don't like one another. LOL

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Irina
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Re: Advice about Ex-Wives

Post by Irina » 07 Jan 2019 12:40

Macha wrote:
06 Jan 2019 05:26
I think, since you do have a close relationship with your ex that it is your duty to bring this up, especially since your girlfriend is the type not to. Be up front and say " do you think this is a problem, harming our relationship, a way that I'm not putting the time into ours? As you are more important to me."

I say this as someone who was really burnt by a girlfriend who talked about her ex pretty often and had a close relationship with her. I was just newly out for 1 year and just didn't want to seem like the jealous type. I wasn't jealous in the sense that I thought as our relationship continued her interest in her ex would naturally wane (and this ex was married to another woman, so unavailable.) We talked about our Valentine's day plans and the fun/romantic things we would do and then a couple of weeks later she mentioned that her ex was going to visit. I wasn't too thrilled but again didn't say anything. I was a mature woman, I wanted to be the bigger person...so a day or two later I said "why not invite her to come with us for Valentine's we can redo our plans." She answered " I'm going out with her." And that totally hurt. I will never keep my mouth shut , now that I'm older and wiser.

But yeah, you owe your girlfriend better.
That was 100% unhealthy. Friendship with ex gfs is not necessarily bad, but in your case all boundaries were broken and the ex could appear anytime she wanted to.
Hope it's not the case with Serafin's friendship and relationship.

Feminista
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Re: Advice about Ex-Wives

Post by Feminista » 09 Jan 2019 12:24

Well I had a really unpleasant interaction with her (the ex) yesterday and it caused me to truly rethink the nature of our so called friendship . It's all one -sided - always me being concerned about her well being and wishing her well. It was pretty obvious to me (yesterday for the first time) she has a tremendous amount of anger towards me and I think she is attempting a long strategy of retaliation. Which sucks for me , but how stupid I was not to see it sooner.

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